English 1301 students:
For our Friday, September 21 blog, post a comment of just one well-developed paragraph about the revisions that you will do (or already have done) to your exemplification rough draft before you turn in the final draft at the beginning of class on Monday, September 24.
Remember that you have to do significant revisions to your draft to fulfill the contract requirement that would qualify you for an A or a B grade. So think big! Don't just comment that you plan to change a few words here and there. Propose to redo the overall organization, to add an entirely new section, or to do something else equally substantial.
After you submit your comment, you do not need to reply to any of the other comments. Instead, you can use the extra time to get right to your revisions!
For class on Monday, September 24, please read “Cause and Effect,” in our textbook, pp. 321-343, in addition to having your final draft printed out, along with your freewriting (done in class), your rough draft, and your workshop sheet (filled out by your partner) to turn in. Please make sure to use MLA format.
If you have any questions about MLA format, here is a link that explains it: Purdue OWL
And here is a sample first page showing you how to type your name, professor's name, course name, and date above the centered title:
Please note that only your last name and the page number should be in the header, and it should be in the top right corner of each page. Your name, professor's name, course name, and date should be typed at the top of the first page, and it should not appear on any page but the first.
For reference, here is the assignment sheet for the exemplification essay:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Essay #1: Exemplification (pp. 211-57 in our textbook)
Rough draft due date: Wednesday, September 19th
Final draft due date: Monday, September 24th
Directions:
Write a 3-4-page essay, typed in double-spaced 12 point Times New Roman font,
developed through examples, using MLA format, on one of the following campus-related
subjects:
- ASU’s campus green spaces, where we connect with nature
- ASU’s public art displays, where we connect with creativity
- ASU’s faculty office spaces, where we connect with intellectual mentors
Steps:
Invention:
- After you select one of the above, please
move from the general subject to a specific topic (please consult pp. 34-5
in our textbook). Keep in mind the assigned limits for the topic (30-2).
- Visit and take notes about the places
you plan to write about.
- Compose a trial thesis statement, often called a working thesis, to guide your essay’s organization.
Arrangement:
- Review the transitional phrases
appropriate to an essay built on examples (57).
- Tentatively set the order of the examples in the essay.
Drafting:
- Write your body paragraphs first
(55-60).
- Then, write your introduction and conclusion paragraphs (53-4 and 60-1).
Revising:
- Attend the draft workshop with a draft
of satisfactory length, 3-4 pages.
- Apply the advice your workshop partner gives you.
On
the final draft due date, please turn in all the following material:
1. In-class freewriting (ten
minutes)
2. rough draft with peer
comments on it
3. peer workshop sheet
4. final draft
Have a great weekend,
Dr. K
My rough draft is what you would call very rough. I know I have a lot of mistakes to correct. One mistake is fixing my introduction. I think it would be better for my paper if my introduction would have more background information so the reader can understand from the start what they are reading about, and not have to guess half way through the excerpt what I’m writing about. I also need to make a clear one sentence thesis statement that presents the idea that I will be writing about so it can make the passage easier to understand for the reader. Another thing I need to do is to give more information in my body paragraphs so my paper can be 3 to 4 pages. I am giving the right amount of examples, but I’m just not backing up those examples with enough information. Also the information I give needs to back up my thesis statement. The way I have arranged my passage is really good so I can keep that idea when I go back and revise. Overall though I am proud of my paper and what I have written, but I do think that it will be 10 times better once I revise and correct all my mistakes.
ReplyDeleteMy rough draft essay was okay. It wasn’t the best paper I’ve written so I have quite a few mistakes to take care of. I was needing to be more specific about the green spaces in the first paragraph so that the reader will know what I am trying to explain. I wanted to fix my thesis a little bit. I needed better transitions between paragraphs. I had a ton of useless commas. I had great examples, just not enough information for the reader to understand. The arrangement of my essay was good. I am not the proudest of my rough draft, but after the revisions and edits, I know this will be a good paper.
ReplyDeletein order for my essay to reach people, i need to have very little mistakes to be taken seriously. I have a problem with my first person addressing the readers, "i, we, they, etc." I need to move some parts around to make it organized by importance. Maybe use less conjunction words, but im not completely sure if its a bad thing. Overall, im proud of my work and hopefully it follows all the guidelines.Also i have many words i repeated and some grammar mistakes as of the first couple of pages.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteIn order for my essay to qualify for an A or B, I plan on revising my whole essay significantly. I will add more background information to each example I include in my essay. Background information will support the examples because it helps the reader understand what I am trying to explain. By also applying more detail to the examples will help the reader stay engaged throughout my essay. My intentions are to not repeat myself so much. By selecting different words that mean the same thing will help my essay not seem so repetitive. In addition I plan on correcting any errors in punctuation, spelling, and grammar I might have made when writing my essay. My last revision will be making my essay longer where my third page spills onto the fourth page.
ReplyDeleteI am doing basically the exact same thing. I am going to rewrite my whole essay and go more in depth with the examples. I only had three exact pages and doing these revisions will help me lengthen my essay.
DeleteI have a lot of things I need to change. One thing I need to do is to go through my essay and make it in a third person format. Through out my essay I use the word "you" a lot. I'm going to change "you" to "visitors on campus." One of the other things I will change is my transitions between paragraphs. I want to do this is to the transitions smoother. I also want to rearrange some of my paragraphs. I wanted to arrange my essay by importance and I feel if I rearrange my paragraph can help me achieve this.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing I need to do is to establish my examples in my paragraphs better. The way I'm going to do this is that I'm going to visit the green spaces on campus on Saturday to take notes. While I'm visiting the green spaces I'm going to come up with nicknames for each one. I need to nickname them so that the examples on each one can stand out more. I may also have to establish new examples in my paragraphs. I'm also thinking of a way too shorten my thesis statement. That is what I'm planning to do with my rough draft.
After the revising done in class I know I have a lot to work on. I am going to begin by looking into more art to add to my examples. I need to work on explaining my essay out more. I will correct my grammar as well. Im going to work on how I have my essay set up and try to order the examples around better.
ReplyDeleteWhat i am plan on performing on my essay would be to have more creativity in my writing, be more descriptive and have a strong editing moral.Without creativity my paper will be bland so i must add .different styles of writing. Also being more descriptive in my words such as if it comes down to location , or proper nouns etc. Last but not least, i will constantly edit my paper so it can make sense grammatically.
ReplyDeleteThe things I am going to change in my essay is going to be the thesis statement, give more background information to make the reader have more knowledge of what I am talking about. I could start off with a question as my attention seeker to bring in the reader then start to inform the reader what is going on. I’m going to give specific details and explain the background information to let the reader know what will come throughout the body paragraph. I will explain everything more in depth than what I did in the rough draft.
ReplyDeleteGood idea with changing your thesis you want that to make that strong so people can understand have a good amount of knowledge when reading the essay!
DeleteMy revisions include rewriting the entire essay as well as going more in depth with the examples. The draft was a good start but i could have done more. I am glad I did the amount I did in the draft because it left me more room to work with when it comes to rewriting the essay. I will also need to check and see if i had proper punctuation and grammatically correct sentences. I have my hands full from now on
ReplyDeletetill Monday working on the essay.
I did the same thing I changed the depth of my examples and changed some things in my body paragraphs
DeleteBefore college I was never open to major change in an essay. I always thought that revision was mainly for grammar and punctuation, not changing the whole paper or a good chunk of it. I have read my peers comments and they suggested better transitional phrases, so I changed that and made them more smooth and flowy. Also, my peer mentioned maybe reorganizing my body paragraphs I was very hesitant to that at first, but now I see that it can actually make my essay more interesting. Before my reorganization I had but my favorite green space first, but now I have completely changed my essays body paragraphs from least favorite to my most favorite. Which now reading my final essay does in fact build my essay up instead of start amazing and slowing decrease in interest. I loved the peer workshop and hearing constructive criticism from my peers and I loved getting to help my peer make their paper better.
ReplyDeleteMy rough draft essay is needed to fix a lot. First, I think I have to make my thesis statement more clearly. The main point talking about my essay is too vague so readers could be hard to understand what I’m talking about. It would be better for my paper if I make the thesis clearly, and move it to the front, so I can make the essay easier to understand for readers. Secondly, I need to make 1 or 2 more examples which are specific and different from other examples. It will make the passage more informative and to provide a sufficient backup. Thirdly, my wording is needed to be fixed. I need to correct some grammar errors, spelling, and inadequate words. I believe those revisions will make the essay better.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few things that I will need to revise and edit to be able to earn an A or B before I turn in the final draft of the exemplification essay. First off, I need to revise my thesis statement. It is brief and needs to be given a little more detail and clarity to be able to efficiently do its job of showing what the essay will be about. The next thing I will need to do to revise and edit my essay is complete the conclusion of the essay. The conclusion that is on my essay now is not strong enough to adequately wrap up the essay to where the reader knows everything that is going to be said has been said. The last thing I will do to edit and revise my essay is go through the body paragraphs and make sure that all the punctuation, grammar and spelling is correct and ready to turn in on Monday.
ReplyDeleteMy draft turned out to be a bit rough. But that is what draft workshops are for! For my essay, I will be writing more sentences in my introduction in order to gain the reader’s attention even more. I think making a more clearer thesis statement for the readers to understand what this essay is really about. I will also be adding more examples about campus greens that are more about to the campus itself. I also had a few errors in my essay that will be fixed. From now until Monday, I will be working on these errors in my essay. I am hoping for an A on this, but who isn’t?
ReplyDeleteI have a lot of revising I need to do before Monday. My body paragraphs are probably the strongest part of my paper and I still need to revise them. I need to completely change my introduction and conclusion. I am going to use a different style of introduction and conclusion from the book. I need a clearer thesis statement because there are multiple sentences in my introduction that could confuse people.
ReplyDeleteThere are a couple things that I will revise from my rough draft. The first thing I will do is separate my paragraphs, mainly because all of them are stuck together and even my partner took note about this as well. The second thing I will need to do is to make a better conclusion. Personally I feel like I ended my conclusion way too abruptly and didn't go too well into detail. My partner did not say this but personally I feel like I really need to edit it so I can make the best essay possible. Until Monday, these will be the edits I will be making for my essay. So far, nobody and not even my partner has corrected my grammar or said my essay was boring. So it at least gives me hope. :)
ReplyDeleteIn my revision session for my essay my partner pointed out a couple of mistakes I made. My thesis has a great function and idea however I want to put in the “I will write about and explain …” statement in. Also I wasn’t aware of the essay needing to be in MLA format so im gonna fix that and make the essay look correct. My essay also didn’t happen to be double spaced, which means that it could be too long so I believe I may shorten it. Which kind of seems to work out considering there was this on paragraph in there that I really was not sure about. After all my revisions I will read through the essay a couple times, make sure there is no punctuation/spelling errors and also make sure all of my ideas and points are stated correctly. It is important being able to convey all ideas completely so that the reader understands the topic of the essay. I will revise this essay and try to make a better copy to turn in for the final draft.
ReplyDeleteMy rough draft could use a touch in several places one of the big ones is maintaining one structure (importance, chronological,complexity) instead of varying. Another improvement to be made is applying better diction to fit the audience of my essay. Keeping it simple is good but showing expansive vocabulary is better. Strengthening my supporting details so they uphold my thesis. Providing a better introduction something that grabs the attention of my reader.
ReplyDeleteI definitely fall short from the requirements being asked from us so I have more than a small amount of revisions to work on. Starting out with clarifying my thesis statement more well thought out. For me as the writer I know exactly what that is but if the reader fails to recognize the sentence then obviously I did not accomplish the goal. I have a good amount of examples throughout my essay but adding more facts could for sure arise the students reassurance on the essay as a whole. Maybe even switching up the order of my body paragraphs could benefit the oraganization of it overall to enhance the structure.
ReplyDeleteThe main thing on will be correcting in my essay is my inclusion of Angelo State University in the examples that I use. My examples steer towards more of a generalization of landscaping in universities across America rather than being specifically about ASU. I will be pretty busy this weekend as this requires almost a whole fresh start as my examples are all over the essay. With some punctuation and grammatical errors that need correction its going to take a lot of work this weekend to turn this into an essay deserving of A or B grade.
ReplyDeleteThis is Johnny Lopez
DeleteThe first thing I would have to change would be my introduction statement. The reason why is because, There was not a defined introductory statement and it was not interesting. I would change it to a quote said by Vincent van Gogh saying, “If you hear a voice within you saying, ‘You are not a painter,’ then by all means paint, boy, and that voice will be silenced.” The next thing I would change would be the construction of my thesis statement. Probably change it to something like, “Angelo State University is home to many unique pieces of art throughout campus, anything from tile murals, wooden sculptures to twisted metal.” This thesis statement would be better because it grabs the reader’s attention and gives some examples of what the essay will be about.Another thing would be changing some of my transition words to make the essay flow better.
ReplyDeleteThe first thing that I revised in my rough draft is that I added more details to my thesis. I added more detail to the thesis to be able to catch the reader's attention and drew them into the story. The next thing that I revised Is the order of my examples. First I started with two examples that agree with the thesis and for the final example I than used a counter argument to show that it is possible that some things can’t happen. I than switch orders to see if the examples would fit better into the story.
ReplyDeleteWriting my rough draft wasn’t the easiest thing to do but once I thought of smaller details it all began to flow together. Once I reread my paper I realized I could move my original “introduction statement” out of the way and begin my draft with my first body paragraph. I will have to find a way to fix sudden drift in my topic. I plan on finding a place for my “introduction statement” so that I will still have it because I believe it’s good. I seem to have a little bit of trouble with punctuation and small grammar errors that I plan to fix as well or try a whole need better way. I’m still unsure if I should try to write a new draft because I felt aired because of how late I did it . I chose several green spaces so that I wouldn’t feel like I had little to speak about. Hopefully with the help of the draft workshop, I’ll have a good essay.
ReplyDeleteAlexandrea Martinez^
DeleteThe essay I have decided to do is the different office spaces around Angelo State University. Even though I feel my essay is sufficient it does need to be revised to make it more than just adequate. Some improvements such as word choice, organization of the presentation of the paragraphs, an added example, and different capitalization issues. Firstly, some of the words in this can be taken out and replaced to add more depth, especially when using the words such as “very” and “a lot”. When I threw this essay together I did not think of the presentation and the order of which I placed the examples in which teachers I visited first. So some reorganizing of those in a way that makes sense and even adding another example. I only had three examples so if I add another it could possibly boost the overall essay. I did this essay relatively fast and so some of the “I’s” are not capitalized as well as some commas and periods need to be added or removed.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like you have some good ideas for where to start revising! Identifying overused words like "very" and "a lot" is an awesome way to improve your paper. I always have a thesaurus handy when I'm working on a writing assignment; it's a great way to make your paper more than just adequate, as you say. Organization of your examples is also really important, and it's also relevant to what we've been working on in class! If you are having a hard time determining the best order for your paragraphs, it might not hurt to refer back to that section in the textbook. It can also help to think of your examples as building toward something, too. How can you organize your paragraphs to best support your thesis? Should it be chronologically, to show how things have changed over time? Should it be in order from least to greatest importance, to highlight a contrast?
DeleteMy essay on Angelo State's campus green spaces is far from being perfect. There are some grammar errors such as lack of commas being placed when necessary. Many spots need words placed in or deleted. Some sentences in my essay need to be deleted or switched around. I also forgot to double space the header so that will make the essay longer. After completing these revisions, my essay will be better overall.
ReplyDeleteFor my essay revision I will be adding another paragraph. I hadn’t had time this week to see another teacher for office hours until today so I’ll add that. I will be adding this paragraph in to my paper sometime this weekend. After I do that I will edit and revise as needed. I also plan on revising my thesis to be clearer and more concise. On Wednesday my thesis was kind of just a statement so I’ve turned it into something better. After that I will be trying to convert some of my first person pieces into third person as much as possible. That seems almost impossible in some sections, so we’ll see how that goes.
ReplyDeleteIt's great that you have identified your thesis statement as needing a little work. Having a strong thesis is crucial for the reader to best understand your paper, so clarity and concision are super important. Rewriting to third person can definitely be tricky, so it's good that you are already on top of this as well. Instead of viewing this as just your opinion, maybe try thinking about the bigger picture, about how a particular example is applicable to other ASU students as well. Also, sometimes people use first person because they don't have a lot of confidence in what they're saying, so they feel more comfortable saying, "I think," or "I believe" before making a statement. In these cases, simply deleting those two words will make your sentence much stronger.
DeleteI plan to make big changes to my exemplification essay. I want to change my introduction and include a stronger thesis. It was weak in the rough draft, and I think that with some work, I can make it even better. I also want to see if I can change the order in which I originally wrote the essay. I would like to say originally, it was written chronological that then transitioned into complexity. But this time, I want to see if I can maybe change it by importance so it can become a little stronger when it comes to my key points and examples. Besides that, I have many grammatical errors that also need to be fixed so that I can at least make a B on my first college essay
ReplyDeleteFor my draft revision I plan to add in a question as my attention grabber. By asking a question it will give my reader an idea of what my essay will be about and keep them interested. I will also shorten the thesis and change it up a bit so it won't be as basic. For my body paragraphs I plan to add better transitions from one paragraph to another so it will have a much better flow. In addition i will also modify words and phrases so that my essay will have a much better impact. Since my essay is about nature i will also add in imagery to my examples so that it will give my essay much more life and significance. Furthermore I believe that in adding imagery it will make my work easier interpret as to how nature helps us as college student.
ReplyDeleteTo revise my essay I plan on redoing the thesis to make it clearer to understand. In addition to this I plan on changing the organization, by instead of just using complexity, I’ll also use chronology, to represent walking down the mall. I am also going to elaborate more on the helix idea and make more connections to what it has to do with our campus and student culture. Finally, I plan on also fixing any grammatical errors that have been pointed out to me.
ReplyDeleteOn this essay, I will be making substantial revision in hopes of making at least a B. I plan on making changes based on what my workshop partner has suggested, my own thoughts, and what I have learned so far in the course. The first thing I plan on doing is extending the length of my introduction as well as make it more detailed. This was a tip suggested by my workshop partner. My next step would be to rearrange parts of the paper such as my conclusion. I want to move parts of the paragraph before my conclusion into my current conclusion. I would also like to take parts of the current conclusion and move or possibly delete them. I plan on moving around some key examples and supporting details so that the story flows in a better pattern. My last part of the plan is to go over the essay and remove any spelling or grammar errors such as the ones that were demonstrated to us during class. In doing these things I hope to reach a grade of a B and hopefully even an A.
ReplyDeleteYou have some great ideas for your revision! Being willing to completely change things up, like moving or even deleting chunks of your paper, can really make a big difference in the final product. Sometimes people are afraid to do this because they think it will make their paper worse, but in reality, most people can't write a perfect draft on the first try. It's also really good that you are taking your partner's comments seriously. It's easy for us to get so involved in our own writing that everything seems perfectly clear and logical, even when it's not. Asking other people for suggestions is a great way to fill the gaps that we don't see.
DeleteI am curious what your reason is for lengthening your introduction. Do you feel that it is weak, or doesn't set up your topic very well? If so, then I think you're on the right track. One pitfall in writing is that sometimes we write more to hit a certain word count or a certain number of sentences in a paragraph, but we're not really adding anything worthwhile. Just something to think about!
For my rough draft revision I am going to revise my whole essay significantly. My first thing I need to change is my thesis because it wasn't much of a attention grabber. I need something to get the readers attention to start off. Also I need to develop a better way to transition with my body paragraphs. It will help the flow and organization of my essay. I also need to add some better examples to get a better picture in the readers head and also end with a strong conclusion
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ReplyDeleteFor my essay on ASU's green spaces, I plan on completely redoing my introduction to make my thesis flow better with the rest of my information. As for the rest of my paper. I plan on retyping my whole essay slowly to catch errors and or remove an add things that are necessary to make it better. I hope by doing this that I catch everything that I miss by just skimming over my paper.
The way I am going to edit my essay is by making it a little longer and adding in more powerful words. I didn't really put in a thesis statement so ill go back and add that in then make my conclusion fit with it. My paragraphs all together are "okay" but I might go back and change a few sentences to make it stronger and more structured. The title was a bit random so ill change that up as well. Over all I feel like my essay was okay in length, but I can always go back and a few sentences to a paragraph in.
ReplyDeleteFor my essay, I plan on revising the middle parts in which don't fully makes sense. There is also many different diction choices that I could change within the entire essay. I will also be going through and finding the correct areas for commas, semicolons, colons, and other such things. I plan on rewriting the entire essay to see the different things that I could add or take out, and also changing the small mistakes that I have made. Rewriting the thesis as well is something I believe that I'll be doing, just in case the full paragraph doesn't flow, or make sense.
ReplyDeleteThe most important thing to focus on in my revision is strengthening the somewhat tenuous connection between paragraphs. Each part of the body will need to be altered in order to better reflect how they are tied to the introduction. They will then need to be reordered in a way that is more cohesive and allows for a better flow by adhering more strictly to organization principles. Rather than trying to rework the conclusion it will likely be more efficient to repurpose what's currently there into another body paragraph and then create a new one completely from scratch. I will need to ensure that the newly minted conclusion properly references the introduction in a way that ties the essay together. Most of the work will be more akin to reorienting puzzle pieces in order to display the essay's overall picture more clearly.
ReplyDeleteIn my essay about the campus green spaces, I plan on revising just about every paragraph. I believe the biggest thing is being able to take constructive criticism. Luckily, I had a partner that has well developed writing skills and could provide me with a plethora of ways to improve my essay. Grammatical errors, sentence structure, point of view, and my thesis; these are some of the ways I was advised to revise my essay. In most of my examples I used 1st person but was told the teacher wasn’t really looking for passages that were based in the third person. The essay should be centered closer to a 3rd person point of view. I have confidence I can turn my rough draft of an essay into something that more fits the criteria the teacher laid. (wrote this essay promptly but just forgot to upload it, very sorry)
ReplyDeleteFrom Lauryn Cruz:
ReplyDeleteA few of the things I will be working on before I can turn in my essay will include , making my thesis a bit clearer and finding more examples that will sufficiently support the thesis. Making the thesis clearer and including more examples will make the whole essay flow a lot smoother. I’ll also be working on using stronger word choices along with correcting grammatical mistakes throughout the essay.